


Unicorn Problems

by zsomeone



Series: 636 [1]
Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Crack, M/M, Secretly a Virgin, Unicorns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-08
Updated: 2009-06-08
Packaged: 2018-03-16 16:46:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3495629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone wanted Skwisgaar to be a virgin and for Nathan to change that, and gave me Klokateer 636 to make it all work.  And someone else wanted (demanded) unicorns and cute porn.  And since every unicorn story needs a virgin....<br/>Warnings: Porn.  Also, this could ruin rainbows for you, forever.<br/>Parings: N/S, some indirect S/T, and hinted N/T</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unicorn Problems

It all started with the unicorn problem. Yes, Mordland (of all places) suddenly had an infestation of unicorns. Charles had discreetly made some calls, but it seemed that simply eliminating them was not an option. Something about being rare and endangered, or whatever.  
They were quite beautiful actually, but hardly fitting with the image of the world’s most brutal band. Also they were randomly goring groundskeepers, which was rather inconvenient. Brutal yes, but then who was left to pick up the piles of unicorn crap all over the yard?  
And the yard wolves apparently wouldn’t go near them at all, no help there. Not that he expected the wolves to clean up unicorn poop (of course), but they could at least have the decency to eat a few of the beasts.

It seemed that the only solution was a virgin, preferably a female, but really either sex would do in a pinch. A virgin would make them all nice and non-homicidal, and could... okay, he hadn’t read that far ahead yet.  
And in Mordhaus, when Charles thought of virgins, he of course thought of Toki. He summoned him to his office, he had to be completely sure before they faced these monsters.  
Toki sat down, looking worried. Charles decided to just ask, it was often easiest to be blunt with either of the Scandinavians. “Toki, are you a virgin?”  
Toki seemed very reluctant to answer that. “Um... well, hows you means?”  
Charles sighed. “Have you ever had sex with a woman?”  
Again the long pause. “Noes.”   
Well that was easy, they wouldn’t have to hunt around for one after all. He dismissed Toki, and planned their attack.

****

They were gathered on the front steps, with Charles. They didn’t really know what was going on, except that Toki was going to lead the unicorns away, or something like that. This was their first good look at the unicorns, they’d been kept away for safety reasons. A bunch of horned horses, mostly just eating the lawn, not very exciting.  
And then the unicorns spotted a surviving groundskeeper, and that all changed. (Well, except for the being horses with horns part.) Three of them charged the man, goring him brutally.  
Murderface started clapping. Charles looked worried, but they really had no choice. “Okay Toki, well, go tame them.”  
Pickles unfortunately just had to add, “Toki, nice knowin’ ya dude, I’m gonna miss ya!”

With a nervous look back at them, having no real idea why he was being told to go out there, Toki walked down the steps. The unicorns all turned to watch him. They let him get a little way from the others then one (the leader?) moved in aggressively.   
“Hi horsies.”   
The unicorn snorted, and charged.  
Without even thinking, Skwisgaar ran down the steps and jumped in between them.   
To everyone’s great surprise (they were picturing guitarist shish-ka-bob) the unicorn slid to a stop, then nuzzled Skwisgaar.   
Skwisgaar suddenly realized what he had done. “Oh fucks,” he said softly, “I’s just outed myselfs.”

Charles didn’t question this luck. “Skwisgaar, tell the unicorns not to hurt anyone else, and you two get back up here now.”  
Skwisgaar patted the huge beast that was nibbling at his hair. “Be a nice horsie and don’ts stab no more peoples.” It snorted softly in what could have been agreement. As they turned to go, it tried to follow him, but he shooed it back.  
When they reached to entryway, Charles ordered everyone inside. “Boys, I need you all to stay inside until I can figure out what just happened here. Skwisgaar, come to my office, we need to talk.”  
As the others wandered off to do whatever, Skwisgaar followed the butler to his office. He’d always known that someday they might find out, no matter how careful he tried to be.  
But like this?   
But what else could he have done, let the unicorn kill Toki?

They got as comfortable as the situation allowed, and Charles began, “Skwisgaar, help me out here. Unicorns are supposed to like virgins, but it tried to kill Toki and stopped for you. Do we have slut-magnet unicorns here, or what?”  
Skwisgaar considered where to start. “Whys you tink dat Toki’s a virgin?”  
“Well I asked him. He told me he’s never had sex with a woman.”  
“For a smarts guy, you ams pretty stupids.”  
Suddenly it dawned on Charles that he’d phrased his question all wrong. “Oh my, Toki’s gay then? Is that it?”  
“Ja, and he’s a real big sluts abouts it too.”  
Well that answered one question anyway. “But Skwisgaar, you’re not a virgin. You’re always sleeping with grandmas and... well, pretty much everybody.”

Instead of answering, Skwisgaar pulled out his phone and made a short call. It seems this day had truly come at last. Very soon there was a knock at the door, and a Klokateer came in.  
Charles didn’t recognize this one right off (as much as you can recognize anyone in a hood), he was much thinner than most of their employees. At Skwisgaar’s nod, the Klokateer pulled off his hood, shaking out his long blond hair.  
Charles stared in shock. This guy must have had some surgeries, because he looked amazingly like Skwisgaar. And then he realized something else: Skwisgaar’s usual clothes, except for his belt, were almost identical to the standard Klokateer garb. 

Skwisgaar (the real one) faced him then. “Dis is 636, my personal Klokateer. Nobodies ever knows de difrents, he does all de sexes for me.”  
Charles just wasn’t processing this. “Skwisgaar?! You’re a virgin?! How? _Why_?”  
“Pfft, I just never wants to be likes my mother, mostlies. So I hires 636, ands we switches out. He takes my belt, I takes his hood. Poof, nobody knows.”  
Charles was frantically flipping through his book. “I have here that 636 is deceased.”  
“Oh I just gives him dat number. 6-3-6 sounds like S-E-X, and dat’s what he’s for. He gots no brand though, ladies might notice dat. He even fucks Toki one time, stupid dildos even thoughts it was me. Buts he was really drunks.”  
“Who, Toki or 636? Never mind, that doesn’t even matter.”

Charles was still having trouble processing this, but he’d make it work. “Skwisgaar, I’m going to need you to deal with the unicorns.”  
“Okays, but we nots tell them I’s a virgin?”  
“The unicorns? Oh, you mean the rest of the band. Well I won’t say anything, but there’s a good chance they’ll figure it out on their own, there’s nothing I can do about that.”   
“I’s keeping 636.”  
“Of course you are, he has your image to maintain. One question though, I’m curious- Why all the old ladies?”  
“We tinks it’s safer to mostlies stick to the ones with bads eyesight and de memories problems.”  
Charles nodded, that sounded like a very wise decision indeed.

****

A few days later, after offering the others a rather lame explanation, Charles and Skwisgaar set out to move the unicorns to an adjoining forest that had been approved for this purpose. But Mordland was huge, and Skwisgaar quickly got sick of walking. “Comes on, let’s just rides dem dere.”  
Charles, still nervous even though the unicorns were acting quite tame, disagreed. “No, they wouldn’t like that, we should just keep walking.”  
“Pfft. You walks den, I rides.” He poked the closest unicorn in the shoulder. “Hey horsie, lets me rides.”   
To Charles’s surprise, it knelt and let him climb on. Skwisgaar was riding a unicorn, wow. “Fine, fine, tell one to let me get on.”  
Skwisgaar pointed to one, and it knelt for Charles. Now they could move faster.

They rode on, Charles a bit annoyed that his unicorn insisted on staying behind Skwisgaar’s.  
And then the one Skwisgaar was riding let out a huge fart, and Charles almost fell off his mount from laughing so hard.   
Skwisgaar looked back, confused, and Charles pointed, still beyond speech.  
Over their heads was a small rainbow. Apparently, happy unicorns fart rainbows, who would have guessed? Skwisgaar started laughing too.  
A couple more hours, rainbows, and gigglefits later, they had reached the edge of Mordland. Skwisgaar, as instructed, told the unicorns to go live in the forest, and they seemed happy enough to go, wandering off into the trees.  
Charles made the call for somebody to come pick them up, the job was done.

****

Meanwhile, the others were in the hot tub, discussing all this. Pickles had declared himself an expert on unicorns, and was drunkenly sharing his knowledge. “Dude, ya gatta like, git a virgin, and then they grant ya three wishes. Or maybe they jest eat the virgin.”  
Nathan was confused. “But why Skwisgaar? He’s not a virgin, right? I mean, could that even like, be possible?”  
“Noes he’s not, I fucks him befores.”  
“Scho what Toki, you’ve fucked everybody, that probably doeshn’t even count.”  
“I has not fucks everybody! I’s never fucks you!”  
Pickles tried to continue his lesson, “So unicorns are... really lucky if you rub their butt... and like... porridge, in a cabin... gold... happily ever after...”  
No one was listening to him anyway.

****

Later that night, it ended up that only Nathan and Skwisgaar were left in the hot tub. (Again, no, Nathan hadn’t been in there all day.) They were quite drunk. Skwisgaar was doing his best to ignore Nathan’s curious looks, until he finally spoke. “Um, Skwisgaar? Can I like, ask you something?”  
Skwisgaar sighed, he’d known this was coming. At least it was just Nathan, the least likely one to tease him about it. “Whats?”  
“Are you um, really a virgin? Or something?”  
“Ja. And now yous all am goings to be teasing me abouts it.”  
“Hey no, I mean, I like, wouldn’t do that. To you. But... do you wanna fix it? So they can’t?”  
Skwisgaar looked at him in confusion. "Whats you means?”  
“Do you wanna, you know, have sex with me? So they can’t say you’re a virgin?”  
“Nathans, you is really drunks.”  
Nathan laughed. “Yeah I know, I probably won’t even remember it. So um, you wanna?”  
Skwisgaar decided not to think about to too much, and nodded.  
They climbed out and headed for Nathan’s room.

Once there, despite a huge amount of alcohol, Skwisgaar started getting very nervous. It would hurt, wouldn’t it? Why had he agreed to this? He couldn’t do it, he’d better just make the switch and hope that Nathan never noticed.  
But as he started to head out of sight to make the call, Nathan grabbed his wrist. “Uh-uh. You’re not gonna do whatever the fuck it is you do.” He finally noticed that Skwisgaar looked very, very worried. “Hey, are you scared of me? You know I’m not gonna hurt ya.”  
Skwisgaar was unconvinced, but wanted to get this over with one way or another, so he undressed. So did Nathan.   
Skwisgaar looked. Oh shit, Nathan was pretty big. And he was going to puts dat thing inside of him, no, no he couldn’t go through with this, he just couldn’t.  
Nathan pulled the trembling blond down on the bed with him. “Hey, c’mere. Calm down, it’s okay. I told you I won’t hurt you.”   
Then Nathan kissed him.

That was okay, he’d kissed before, quite a lot actually. They usually didn’t make the switch until they got to his room.   
Nathan did not kiss like an old lady.  
Without breaking the kiss, Nathan slowly trailed his hand down the Swedes’s body, then began lightly stroking his cock.  
Skwisgaar was a bit shocked, but despite his nervousness, he felt himself responding to this treatment. It was really... different.   
Nathan sat up, grabbing a bottle of lube off the night stand, and saw Skwisgaar tense up again. “Hey, it’s alright. Look, you can just do me, that’d probably be better for your first time anyway. Okay?”  
Well that was... a lot less scary, actually. “But Nathans, I don’ts know how to does it! I’s supposed to relax yous or somethings first, right?”  
“Nah, I’m really wasted. If I was any more relaxed, I’d be like, boneless. Just use the lube, it’ll be fine.”

“Okay, hows we does dis?”  
Nathan rolled over, getting to his hands and knees. “Um, like this is probably easiest for you.”  
Skwisgaar took the lube and poured some on.  
“Use a lot.” Nathan called over his shoulder.  
Then, using his hand to aim, he slowly pushed it in. This was... pretty fucking awesome, really. Instinct took over, and he began to thrust. Nathan pushed back against him.  
Supporting his weight on one arm, Nathan began stroking himself to match their rhythm. He wouldn’t ask Skwisgaar to try to multitask on his first time. Skwisgaar’s inexperience and slight awkwardness was actually a turn on, so different from Toki, who always knew _exactly_ what he was doing.  
Too drunk to be able to judge how close Skwisgaar might be, Nathan came. This caused even more new sensations for Skwisgaar, triggering his own orgasm.   
He pulled out and flopped down on the bed. "Wow."

Nathan hadn’t bothered to move. “Well, now nobody can pick on you for being a virgin. Because you’re not.”  
“Thanks you Nathans.”  
“Okay, I’m um, like gonna pass out now. You can stay here if you want. I’ll see ya tomorrow.” Nathan collapsed, unconscious.   
Skwisgaar couldn’t help laughing at the sight, Nathan, with his knees still under him, snoring face down on the bed with his ass in the air.  
He got up and headed to his own room, thinking that he needed to reconsider sex in general, it was pretty fun after all.


End file.
